Speak Now
by mysterymuse
Summary: Season 4 AU. Beckett doesn't get shot, but she closes herself off from Castle because she feels he betrayed her in the hangar. Yet, when her mother's case grows cold from her leave of absence, she searches for evidence. And Castle has it. When she tries to reconcile with him, old feelings bubble up. Castle wants something more, but is shocked to find Beckett's engaged.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know, I know. The whole Josh/Beckett are engaged is a tired storyline, but I thought I'd throw my version into the mix. Starts right after Beckett shows up for Castle's book signing in_ Rise_. **

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><p>"What do you want, Beckett?"<p>

Her face hardened, her eyes shuttering closed.

"Castle, please, I need to talk to you. It's important."

She turned to walk across the street, moving towards a swing set nestled next to a playground.

Begrudgingly, he followed her to the swings. He couldn't help himself. He had to know why she'd shut him out.

She swept her fingers across the pages of his book, and traced the cover page as she thanked him for the dedication.

"Beckett, I don't have much time," his voice, hard and unforgiving, broke her careful statements.

"Castle, I need you—"

His heart jumped at the words, a painful ache in his chest.

"—to give me the files Ryan and Espo gave you for safekeeping."

His heart shattered. She didn't need him. It's fine. Not her fault. He just wasn't enough.

He kept his tone level as he carefully shaped his next words. "Yeah, I'll have them delivered to your place. But Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there any hope for us?"

"We're getting married." The words bursted from her lips in the same instant, their sentences overlapping.

Both of them looked at each other in shock.

"What?" They both said into the silence.

"Him? You're getting married to _him_?" He shouted furiously, anger ripping through his chest.

"Us?" She barely whispered, tears burning in her eyes.

"Oh don't play coy, Beckett. You know how I feel about you. Hell, everybody we know knows how I feel about you," he spat bitterly.

"Castle, I—," she stuttered, scrambling for understanding, drowning in his anger.

"Like it matters anymore," he shot back, acid in his tone.

Her book dropped with a dull thud as she reached for his swing, and grabbed onto his arm.

"It matters everything to me," she murmured, her hazel eyes searching for an answer in his expressionless sea of blue.

Hope flared in his chest but dimmed as he spotted the ring on her finger.

"You're getting married, Beckett. Whatever there could have been is never going to happen. It's over," he stated coolly, each word cutting into his heart.

Her fingers uncurled their grip on his bicep, her swing creaking back into place as desolation swept over her features.

"But—"

"But what? I stuck by your side for three years? I had your back. I was your partner. I brought you coffee every morning just to see a smile on your face."

Tears burned in his throat, his voice thick with emotion.

"Kate, I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met," he stopped, his eyes glistening. "I love you, Beckett," he said, his heart overflowing as the words he'd kept clamped down for months burst from his lips. "But if that's not enough, then I can leave," he voiced brokenly.

She was stunned. Frozen.

The blank, uncomprehending stare she was giving him was all he needed to know. There was no them.

He got up to leave, but she suddenly snapped into action, snagging his wrist.

"Rick, wait. I don't want to lose you. I need you."

_I need you_ picked up a few pieces of his heart, but the rest lay broken. There was no them.

"Goodbye, Beckett." The slap of her surname loosened her grasp on him and he walked away.

He didn't look back.

* * *

><p>A week later he received an invitation in the mail.<p>

_Joshua Miles Davidson and Katherine Houghton Beckett invite you to join them for the celebration of their marriage. _

He wanted to puke.

He was about to crumple it up when he spotted her neat, block handwriting on the back.

_Castle—_

_I know this seems terribly shameless for me to ask. You don't have to come. I just wanted my best friend to be there. _

_Always, _

_Kate_

She wasn't wrong. It was entirely shameless, and a slap in the face. Always? She didn't even know the meaning of that word.

There was no them.

* * *

><p>Ryan peered through the blinds in the break room to carefully examine Beckett. She'd been quiet ever since she'd been reinstated.<p>

This last week she'd been unbearably silent, only contributing when she absolutely needed to. She worked herself thin and only went home when he and Espo practically dragged her out.

He'd been wondering what was wrong, but the invitation he'd received in the mail this morning told him everything he needed to know. Castle wasn't coming back.

It didn't make sense.

She broke his heart. But from what he was seeing, her heart was broken, too.

* * *

><p>A glass of bourbon sat in front of him. He didn't want to drink it, but the burning glide down his throat was the only thing that soothed him right now.<p>

His laptop was open with a blank word document. The unmoving cursor mocked him.

This was ridiculous. She didn't matter anymore. But she was everywhere.

The slam of the front door broke him out of his reverie.

"Dad?"

"In here," he managed, swiveling his chair to face away from his taunting laptop.

Alexis entered his office, smiling and out of breath.

"Hey what's up? I was just out with Paige."

"Writing."

She raised her eyebrow. "Is that your secret word for 'nothing'," she teased.

"You got me," he replied half-heartedly.

Alexis frowned at his tone, quickly scanning his face.

She didn't miss a thing, did she?

He saw her gaze land on the glass of bourbon and sweep over his bathrobed figure.

"Dad, what's wrong?" she asked softly, worry etching into her features.

Suddenly very tired, he pointed to the crumpled invitation lying on the far corner of his desk.

Wary, Alexis carefully picked up the paper. Her eyes widened with understanding as she skimmed over the words.

Anger flashed in her eyes as she threw the invitation back on his desk.

"I don't believe this," she said aghast.

"Join the club," he commented morosely. It suddenly became too real. It was over. He was never going to see her again. She didn't love him. Tears threatened to choke him.

Alexis immediately walked around the desk and hugged him.

A broken sob burst through his lips as he buried himself in Alexis' neck.

"It's ok, Dad. She wasn't worth it. She shut you out."

He was falling apart in his daughter's arms. "I told her I loved her," he whispered.

"She doesn't deserve your love, Dad," she murmured soothingly.

His head hurt.

"Who died?"

Both snapped their gaze up to find Martha leaning against the bookshelf.

Alexis pointed to the paper as he attempted to wipe his eyes.

Curious, she picked it up and gasped as her eyes tripped over the names.

"Oh, kiddo," she murmured softly. Dropping her hot pink bag, she joined Alexis and put her arms around him.

He was a mess.

* * *

><p>There was a pounding on her door.<p>

Unfolding herself from the couch, she got up to answer it.

"Alexis?"

"What are you doing?" Alexis spat, pushing past her.

"I was watching TV and now I'm…." she trailed off at Alexis's furious glare.

"No, I mean this." She shoved the wedding invitation into her hand.

Her heart clenched at the sight of it.

"I'm getting married," she said dumbly.

"So I've noticed," Alexis said dryly.

"He's not coming is he," she said quietly, her shoulders sagging as she ran a hand through her hair tiredly.

"Gee, you think?" Alexis spat.

"I'm a horrible person, aren't I?"

She saw Alexis open her mouth. "No, don't answer that. What've I done?" She groaned, looking at Alexis with weariness bleeding from her eyes.

"Do you love him? Josh? " She asked softly, her blue eyes a harsh reminder of another pair.

"I said yes, didn't I?" She threw back, slightly irritated now.

"And he makes you happy? Because if you told me different, there would be no judging. I just had to check."

"Check?"

"Detective Beckett, I may be some naïve girl in your eyes, but I'm not blind. You wouldn't have let my father stick around for so long if you didn't feel the same."

"What?" She whispered. Everything was pounding on her brain and her world was tilting.

"I don't want to tell you how to run your life. Frankly, it's none of my business, but because you're different-because I've never seen my father so broken up over a woman before, I thought I would just say it."

Alexis's stare was cold and piercing.

"Say what?"

"Say that you love my father. That you should tell him. But if and when you do, you might want to be single," she said fiercely. Without a backward glance, she left, her fiery hair swishing with each step.

Leaning against her door, she slowly slid down to the floor as Alexis's words washed over her. Her heart was breaking all over again.

Shit, what was she doing?

Because she knew. She loved him. The truth of it suddenly swallowed her. Her heart pounded and her body quaked with relief.

She loved him.

Her eyes flew open. Oh god, she loved him.

A terrible cold trickled through her as she realized she'd promised herself to someone else. Someone she wasn't even sure she'd ever loved.

And for the first time since her mother died, her will crumbled. She hugged her knees to herself and cried.

* * *

><p><strong> AN: TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is going to be a three-shot, so I've got one more post after this. Hopefully, this chapter clears a few things up. **

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><p>"Kate?"<p>

Josh's quiet call tripped over her ears, waking her.

"What? What's wrong?" she murmured sleepily.

"Nothing. I called you to see if you wanted to go out, but I can see that you've turned it off. And you're sleeping. Sorry," he said gently, his voice a low whisper.

"Oh. No, you're fine. Um, how was your day?" she asked. She rubbed at her eyes and pushed back her hair from her face.

"Had a couple surgeries. Saved a life or two. The usual," he said, shrugging.

"So modest," she said, smirking.

He chuckled and wrapped his fingers around her shoulder, gently massaging it.

"How was your day?" he returned.

"Uh, fine," she said, not wanting to mention Alexis' visit. She'd cried herself out after and fallen asleep on the couch with the TV playing softly in the background.

Nodding, Josh let go of her shoulder and moved to pick up his things by the door.

"Oh, hey, do you still feel like heading out? I want to take you to dinner," he said.

Sighing softly, she fell back on the couch. "I'm not feeling well," she called out.

"Oh. Ok, never mind," he replied, sounding disappointed.

"Are you sure?" she asked. .

"It's no big deal. I just wanted to tell you something. But it doesn't matter," he said noncommittally.

"It sounds like it matters. What is it?"

He walked back to the living room and turned to face her, his face glowing and eyes filled with barely concealed excitement.

"I got offered a job as head of the cardiothoracic department," he explained, a smile breaking across his face.

"No, way. That's awesome," she said, trying to infuse enthusiasm into her tone. She wanted to be excited. She did.

His features grew serious. "But there is a downside."

"Oh?"

"It's in Cleveland— the Cleveland Clinic. It has the best cardiologist program in the nation."

"Oh."

"And I know this is happening at the worst possible time, with our engagement and everything. And I can't ask you to leave your job, but I thought we could make it work long distance at first and figure it out later once we're married," he rambled, his hands gesticulating excitingly.

Dread leeched through her.

"Josh," she said quietly.

"We would call each other every day. And visit each other on weekends."

"Josh," she called out loudly.

"What?" he asked breathlessly.

"I can't."

"You can't what?" he asked, his brows drawing together in confusion.

She sat up and tucked her hair behind her ears, trying to summon the courage to deliver her next words.

"I can't do long distance," she said.

He looked crestfallen. "What do you mean you can't do long distance? What about us?"

She looked away, her hands falling in her lap uselessly. Her throat constricted with tears.

"I can't do us, either," she whispered, her voice breaking over the words.

"Kate, you can't be serious. I can stay," he amended, reeling from her declaration.

"No, that's not it. And it's not you. It's just—," she sighed heavily, willing the tears away, "This was a mistake."

He sat down next to her on the couch. "Kate, you're scaring me. I thought you were in this. I thought—" his gaze drifted around the room, landing on her copy of Castle's new book.

"You've got to be kidding me," he deadpanned.

"What?" she asked, puzzled.

"It's him, isn't it?"

"Huh?"

"It's Castle. You're in love with him."

"Josh, I never should have said yes. It wasn't right. I—"

"You're not even denying it, Kate! I don't believe this," he yelled, exasperated.

She leaned back into the cushions, tears tracking down her face. "I'm sorry," she said sorrowfully.

"You're—you're sorry?! Oh, wow," he spewed angrily.

"Josh, I'm a mess. I never should have lead you on."

"Damn, right!" he shouted, "God, Kate, you're infuriating." He ran his hands through his hair.

She choked out a watery laugh. The whole situation was infuriating.

"What's so funny?"

"This. Us. Everything. It's like my whole life is a cosmic joke. I can't do anything right."

He looked at her, his anger deflating suddenly, the tension easing out of his shoulders. He cracked a small smile, a quiet acceptance steeling his posture.

"So where does that leave us?"

"Apart," she said decidedly and gazed at him beseechingly, the apology written on her face.

He nodded absently, sighing dejectedly. "Ok."

"Ok?" She pressed.

Looking at her wistfully, he repeated, "Ok."

She bit her lip and almost reached out to touch him but thought better of it. Instead, she loosened the engagement ring from her finger and fiddled with it for a moment.

He stared at her hands, lost in thought.

"Might want to save this for the next girl," she said, holding the ring out to him with a deprecating smile.

He took the ring without protest, but looked distracted.

"Kate, did you ever love me?"

Looking into his eyes imploringly, "I thought I did. I wanted to, but—"

"You already loved Castle," he finished desolately.

"Yeah," she said softly.

He found her eyes. "Then why did you say yes?"

"It's incredibly selfish. Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"I think I have a right to know," he challenged quietly.

"Montgomery was gone. He was like a second father to me, and I partly blamed Castle for his death because he didn't let me save him that night. And I felt so incredibly lost. You were the only thing that seemed constant. All of a sudden you were there; telling me you loved me and wanted everything with me. You made me feel perfect and whole for a moment, and I—I felt safe. When you asked, I didn't feel lost, so I said yes." She huffed out a sigh.

"Bad timing?"

"Bad timing," she agreed, grimacing slightly.

He paused. "Well, I guess the Cleveland offer couldn't have come at a better time then."

"Good timing?" She attempted, throwing him a light smile.

He chuckled softly. "Yeah, good timing."

* * *

><p>He was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. His phone kept ringing, but he didn't have the energy to pick it up or turn it off. What was the point?<p>

Who the hell was calling him anyway?

There was a lapse between the rings, and then the tone repeated as a new call came through.

Four seconds. It had taken four seconds for the caller to redial. What was so important? Maybe he should pick up.

Tiredly, he reached blindly for his cell and felt the vibrating surface beat beneath his fingers. Without looking at the caller ID, he swiped answer and held the device to his ear.

"Castle," he said dejectedly.

"Thank goodness," gushed Ryan, "I'm glad I caught you."

Disappointment shot through him. Of course Beckett wasn't calling. She was the last person he wanted to talk to anyway.

"What is it?" He sighed.

"Beckett's not answering our calls."

"So?"

"She hasn't been to work in a couple of days. Gates told us she called in sick, but she wouldn't stay away for this long. Lanie's the only one who's seen her, but she's very sparse on the details."

"And?"

"Oh, um, well," he fumbled, "You heard Beckett called off the wedding, right?"

His heart beat faster.

"First I've heard of it."

"Oh. I see. I thought you might've know when she's coming back. Never mind. Hey, listen. Just because Beckett isn't here, doesn't mean you're banned from the precinct. Esposito misses you a lot. And the fancy coffee machine you bought us is making funny noises. I think you should take a look at it."

A warm feeling cracked open in his chest. Bless, Ryan.

He chuckled. "Yeah, maybe."

"Ok, well, hopefully, we'll see you soon. Javi can't wait."

"Thanks, Ryan."

"No, problem. See you, soon?"

"Sure."

"Bye!"

"Bye, Honeymilk," he teased, hanging up on Ryan's protest of "Hey, not cool—"

He dropped his phone on his comforter and rubbed his hands over his face.

'Beckett called off the wedding' pounded in his head on repeat.

No. He didn't care. She treated him like dirt. She shut him out and he didn't he know why. She didn't matter to him anymore.

Groaning, he buried himself under his pillow. Because he did care. He loved that maddening woman, so help him.

He felt like a fool.

* * *

><p>Josh had cleared out his things after their talk and left without a backward glance.<p>

She felt relieved.

And regretful.

She'd hurt so many people, and she'd shut out the one who mattered most. Something was seriously wrong with her.

Talking about it with Lanie had helped tremendously, but she still felt out of her depth. How was she supposed to even begin to apologize to him?

He probably wanted nothing to do with her, and she couldn't blame him.

Everything seemed bleak and hopeless as she cracked under the weight of her past choices and irrational decisions.

She picked up one of the business cards Lanie had left behind on her last visit. She'd asked her to bring her some from the precinct.

Dr. Burke.

Damn. Was therapy really what she needed?

Yes. Montgomery. Her mother's case. Castle. She wanted to be better. For him.

Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and punched in the number.

"Hi, yes, this is Detective Kate Beckett. I'd like to make an appointment."

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><p><strong>AN: Thoughts?**


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